Of course I took them to see our dying neighbor and friend, someone they have known and hung out with quite a bit. I wasn't sure if I should but since they wanted to say goodbye for the last time, I relented. It was hard for them as her condition has detiriorated further still. Breathing is assisted and labored. Gone is the wit and responsiveness.
Today is her birthday.
My oldest was able to approach her bed and say happy birthday but the next younger was unable. I could see he was holding in his emotions so we said our goodbyes and returned home. Sure enough both cried and we hugged and just enjoyed one another.
It breaks my heart everytime they return to their mothers especially when they are in an emotional state. Watching them leave stirs up lots of varied emotions. Some are not righteous at all and I'm left to ponder that in the now dark silence.
2 Corinthians 4:1 Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.
We all have a ministry. Factory workers, nurses, paperpushers and all. This comes from God. In the sight of everyone I must live out my life, warts and all.
This is the reason I blog. It's why I put out there my own struggles and hypocrisy.
My ups and downs. The gospel message tells me there is new King and I must bring my life and thoughts and actions into conformity with his rule.
No different than obeying the laws of the land I live in. Yet, this is where I falter. Obedience. My sexual desires, my lonliness, my drinking, my spending all must come under the riegn of Jesus. Yet, it is here that I don't really trust. My faith it seems has limits. And so I take matters into my own hands only to worsen my overall condition.
It won't be overnight, changing that is. Growing in faith can be a slow process accentuated by moments of bursts forward. It is this too that is a ministry.
Even in our deaths we minister to someone. Just singing out in church when you suspect your voice is out of key can minister to someone nearby who is struggling.
I am learning I guess to be thankful for all my troubles and turmoil. I am grateful for the discipline. And though the thought of entering a crypt for a few months to pay a debt fills me with anxiety. I will be thankful.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
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